Can You Learn to Trust Yourself Again After Addiction?

Rebuilding trust after addiction isn’t only about earning back the trust of family and friends. It can also mean learning to trust yourself again.

In this episode of AAC Thrive: Doing Life in Recovery, Melina talks about what happens to self-trust during addiction and how it can be rebuilt through small, consistent actions in recovery. She also gets into the harder side of rebuilding relationships: what to do when loved ones still don’t trust you, why communication matters, how healthy boundaries can create a sense of safety, and why trust can’t be rushed.

If you’re working to rebuild trust in recovery—or you love someone who is—this conversation offers a practical look at what that process can actually take.

AAC Thrive: Doing Life in Recovery is a podcast from American Addiction Centers' Alumni Community, where we have honest conversations about what recovery really looks like after treatment. Subscribe for new episodes and share this one with someone who could use the reminder that recovery doesn't take a vacation.

Transcript

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SPEAKER_01 0:10

We are here today with another episode of AAC Thrive doing life in recovery with Melina. And today we're talking about uh building trust. So, Melina, when people think about rebuilding trust after addiction, they usually think about earning it back from family and friends. But doesn't it actually have to start with yourself again?

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Yes. Um, I mean, I think it's very natural that uh we going to early recovery or after addiction, they have this um desire to build their relationships back again, right? I think that's uh in in uh human nature, uh the quality of our relationships highly correlate the quality of our lives. So having that sort of um desire to build the relationships back is very, very natural. Uh and and and even I would say healthy, but I think that to the point of your question, I really do think that the that in in order to rebuild um trust ever after addiction, it won't start with the family, the friends, the um manager at work or wherever, right? But it it really does start with ourselves, right? With with um building our own sense of being our word again, uh, which often gets lost through addiction, right? That you said, I listen, I'm a terrible, terrible singer, but I'm gonna I'm gonna give you a song, right? That I always kind of refer to. There's that song that you says, you know, I was gonna go clean my room and then I got high, right? And and and I think that's uh such a little symbolic um interpretation of how we lose our word during addiction. Like you were gonna do this, and then you didn't show up and you fell short on expectations. And sometimes because you don't want to disappoint people, uh the lying start, the manipulating starts. Not only we lie to others, we lie to ourselves, right? When there is that thing that, like, hey, I'm gonna quit on Monday. I I promise that I'm gonna drink the rest of this bottle this weekend, but comes Monday, you know, new me. And then comes Monday and no new me. Self-trust is broken when when that happens.

SPEAKER_01 2:42

So, how does someone start to to build that back? What what should they start doing, or what can we start doing?

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Recovery is a process of becoming someone you trust again, and it's not in the big um gestures, but it is in the consistent little ones. You know, it is the moment that I say, hey, you know, I'm gonna get up tomorrow and I'm gonna go to the gym, and then I get up tomorrow and I go to the gym. I said I'm gonna call the therapist to make an appointment, and then I call the therapist and made that appointment. It's the little the little follow-throughs consistently through time. And everyone has to give themselves some grace because it's not overnight. You know, it is a process, it is the consistent. Uh, but little by little, um you follow through and you start to say, Well, I followed through last time, I followed through again, and little by little that self-strust starts to build again. Building your own self-trust, how does that impact other relationships? For the loved ones, uh, they may not trust the person in active addiction or early recovery. Um, because due to usually some of us having the track record that, you know, we did lie, we did omit, uh, or manipulated, and mostly from the commitment to not disappoint or not hurt the other person, to not have them worry more than they already are, um, to keep whatever sense of freedom, right? Because I think loved ones tend to, uh, they're so worried, and the tendencies that they put the person in active addiction in a tight leash, right? And I mean, it's it's very hard for a wild thing to be put on a tight leash. And usually, if you put a wild thing on a tight leash, when they break free, they run faster than ever. And and that creates even more of distrust with um, you know, the loved ones. Um, so I think that when we start building um that consistent of saying, hey, I said I was gonna arrive here at two o'clock, I arrived here at two o'clock. And and one of the things that I often tell my clients is like, listen, if you're gonna only be late one minute, call. Right? And you know, and for most of us, we want to kind of shake it off, like it's one minute. What's the big deal? Other than that, one minute for a loved one who has witnessed uh somebody overdose or go to jail or have gotten into fights or car accidents, right? That one minute is where all of this flashes through their their head before they arrive that one minute late. So I said, you know, in order to start building that trust again with others, just communicate, right? Let them know, hey, you know what? I know I said I'll be there at two o'clock, I ran into a little uh traffic, I probably should be ETA 205. Um, because again, now you're more reliable, you're in communication, right? There's that sense of safety uh and that starts to be be there again.

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Right. So obviously the communication, right? I mean, that's that's a huge component. I do think because I know that we work with families a lot as well, and a lot of them, especially those who have witnessed family members relapsing or you know, just saying to your point earlier, Monday's gonna, Monday I promise it'll all start again, you know, it'll be a brand new me. What do you tell them that helps them understand? How do I know this time is gonna be different?

SPEAKER_00 6:45

You know, I I I I think about how you know forgiveness work, right? Like often we talk about forgiveness, we don't give forgiveness for, you know, it's it's not for the other person, the forgiveness is for yourself. Um, I think similarly, trust is the same way. That, you know, listen, I'm gonna start trusting you again for the sake of a relationship that that I wanted to be healthy, right? Um, and I think it's giving the opportunity for uh the person newly in recovery to show you that hey, I am changing now. I also think that again, baby steps, right? Like you don't trust them to go to the concert at 30 days sober because the concert is such a high-risk situation, but it's in the little situations. Did they follow through? Did they say that, hey, I'm gonna go to the store and be right back? And did they do that? Right. Um, and and I think trust continues to get rebuilt little by little. They said that they were gonna go to the meeting, they went to the meeting. Um, they are supposed to maybe be compliant with their medication, they're they're being compliant with the medication. So, so little by little, I think um when the family member starts to witness that there is a different behavior, um, that you know their their guard can be you know a little eased that way.

SPEAKER_01 8:23

Um, and we talk so much also about boundaries, right? In um when people are healing. What does a healthy boundary look like when someone is in recovery and wanting to rebuild trust? What is still a healthy boundary? Because you want to give them some freedom to be able to show you, right? But at the same time, you want to keep your boundaries. What does a healthy boundary look like?

SPEAKER_00 8:49

Um, I think a healthy, and we just talked a little bit about that, like communication, right? I think that uh coming to a healthy agreement, okay, that hey, right, you know, would you be comfortable with this? And how does this work for you? Um maybe you'll say, hey, share location, but for the other person, it'll be like, oh, if I'm sharing my location, that's too intrusive. But I'm comfortable that the moment I get there, I'll text you and let you know I got there. The moment that I'm leaving there, I'm gonna text you and tell you I'm leaving there. And then you say, Okay, uh that works, right? So so I do think that it'll it'll depend from um family to family, relationship to relationship, but definitely having a communication that that rebuilding the trust um through communication, through their boundaries, um makes sense. A healthy boundary actually creates like predictability, and predictability is where safety comes in, right? And and then our nervous system gets to relax a little, right?

SPEAKER_01 9:59

So um letting it be a negotiation, like you just said, is so that makes it each person is participating, right? Each person gets to bring to feel heard and bring their peace to it, which is obviously also important in rebuilding trust, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:17

That you're both heard, yes, and that's that's trustworthy, right? Uh respecting each other's first zone uh in that communication that hey, this is this is our boundary, right? Like this is where uh hey, the track record had gone this way, and now we're trying to build a different pattern so both of us feel safe in it.

SPEAKER_01 10:41

Yeah, no, I that's such good advice. Um, and then but we will also have people, right, who may be listening who feel like they have tried. They've tried these things, Melina. They've tried communication, opening it up, you know, building trust, and they just feel like their loved ones, their family members, their friends are still not trusting them. What do you say to those people who feel like they're doing everything they can?

SPEAKER_00 11:08

I think this is one of the hardest truths in recovery, right? Because um, you know, again, predictability is where the safety comes in. And sometimes, and and I'll say this is even harder for people that have had some substantial uh sobriety, you know, recovery time, because if they relapse after a long period of time, the the threshold for that predictability now has expanded tremendously, right? Because if I if I had stayed clean two years, but now I'm not, how quickly are you to trust my words again? If hey, two years didn't guarantee the family anything, right? Not anything, but that kind of like fear that is like, okay, what could happen again? So I I do think this is one of those things that um you know, nervous system needs time, trust cannot be demanded, it has to be earned. Um that's where recovery comes in for the recovering addict that, like they do that, you know, we have to do the next right thing whether nobody's looking. Right now, if the loved one comes along and says, Hey, I'm I'm gonna give you another chance, that's probably the plus. But it is very, very frustrating. And I have unfortunately witnessed a lot of people relapse because they're like, I was doing the right thing, I was, I had gone to the meeting, I came home, I looked tired. And instead of them, you know, asking me if everything is okay, they just directly accuse me of being high when I was just tired. And if I'm being accused anyway, what what's the use to try? So I have I have heard so so many people come back to treatment, right? And and again, luckily they came back to treatment because unfortunately, also a lot of people relapse and don't make it, right? So um, but I can't tell you how many times it is that story. Like I got tired of being mistrusted, being accused, being doubted when I was doing the right thing. Uh, it is one of those uh tough aspects about the recovery process for for the recovering addict and for the loved ones, right? Because again, they're worried and and and mostly worried for a reason, right? It's not um it's not unreasonable for them to have this this kind of fear. Um but I think recovery asks us to practice acceptance, right? And um a lot of times the the person that came to treatment and are following the recommendations, they have a team around them. Sometimes the family didn't, right? They're like, oh, they're the one with the problem, they need to figure it out, but then they're left on their own. Uh in most treatment centers, they'll tell you, hey, like we heal together as a family, not just the person that is here in the building in the treatment center.

SPEAKER_01 14:20

Right. Um, so the the thing I want to walk away with because I don't want to leave on a note where someone's feeling frust, you know, the frustration. We are hoping that people can find trust within themselves, which hopefully will have this ripple out effect, right? But if nothing else, we want them to be able to trust themselves and trust their own actions again. So if we were just gonna give them three things to walk away with today or or to listen to and take note of, one would be start small, right? The baby steps. And what else could we tell them?

SPEAKER_00 15:01

I I consistence. Okay. Consistency is gonna be key, right? Um, you know, the way I think about it is like uh, you know, like a bank account, right? A bank account, the more you make deposits, right? That's that's deposited, right? Then then so I say I'm going to a meeting, I went to the meeting, that's a deposit, right? I I said I was gonna go to the meeting and I didn't go to the meeting, that that's a withdrawal right. So at one point or another, if we want a healthy bank account, we gotta make more of the deposits than the withdrawals. And and that's the same thing with trust, right? It's the little steps that we do. So you know, it's it's the thousands of ordinary moments, it's every honest conversation, it's uh every boundary respected, every promise kept that it starts building this uh foundation of trustworthiness.

SPEAKER_01 16:07

And a giant bank account.

SPEAKER_00 16:09

Yeah, and a giant bank account, yeah. Uh of right, the the bank account of trust, right? It's is is is of you being your word again. Uh, because recovery is not about being perfect, but it is about becoming consistent, right? I love that.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

Yeah, no, that's great. Well, thank you so much, Melina. This has been excellent, and we hope you will all join us again for the next episode of AAC Thrive Doing Life in Recovery. Thank you so much.