Boundaries: The Real Recovery Superpower

In this episode of AAC Thrive with Mike and Friends, Mike Diamond dives into the crucial topic of setting and maintaining boundaries in recovery. As the second episode in this series, Mike shares practical tools and techniques you can apply in your daily life to protect your sobriety, safeguard your mental health, and strengthen your relationships. Whether you’re new in recovery or looking to reinforce your progress, this conversation offers actionable guidance for staying firm, compassionate, and resilient.

Transcript

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I'm Mike Diamond, and this is AAC Thrive. On today's talk, we talked about boundaries and protecting your recovery. And this is the second episode of this series. And the purpose of this series is to give you practical tools and techniques you can adapt in your daily life. So you probably hear it all the time. People talk about boundaries, but people really don't understand what boundaries are and how important they are. See, if you don't set boundaries, then unfortunately, people can manipulate us. Okay? Because boundaries protect our priests. And without peace, we can't progress. And it is difficult to set boundaries because we're not taught to set boundaries. Most of us have gone through our lives people pleasing just to survive. And when we get sober, a lot of the time we feel very guilty about the things we've done. So instead of setting boundaries, we become really professional people pleasers. And it is not good. So when you look at a boundary, boundary they help us separate what we can control and what we can't control. Okay, so we can't control people, we can't control what they say to us, we can't control what they think about us, but we can set a boundary and we can control our space. And then what happens is we get frustrated because we feel mistreated. We get resentful because we feel mistreated. And if we hold on to those resentments and we don't get into a community and we don't talk about our feelings and we don't process our feelings, then we get so dysregulated, we have to use to deal with these feelings. And then what happens is we get guilty, right, for people pleasing, we get more frustrated, we get more resentful, we don't deal with it, okay, we get manipulated, and then what do we do? We use again. And we stay in this loop, and it's very, very, very disempowering. It destroys our peace, it destroys our lives, and the worst thing is this it actually destroys our relationships. Because when we have to people please to hold a relationship, it's not productive. Okay, because we're stuck in a codependent relationship. And that's why the first thing we have to have is courage. The courage to say no when we mean no. Okay? And the courage to say yes when we mean yes. Okay. So what people don't understand is not everyone will agree with us when we stand up for ourselves. Because when we stand up for ourselves, we are no longer allowing people to step over our boundaries. And when we have not been allowed to be our authentic selves, people, we have to play characters. But once we stop playing these characters and actually owning who we are, well, people get frustrated. But here's the best thing about setting boundaries. And I always say, do not spend major time on minor things and expect the maximum result. Okay, people are really busy, but it's whether you're busy being productive. Okay, so when we set a boundary, the beautiful thing is it protects how much time we should be spending. Boundaries also protect our energy. You see it all the time. You get around people and they've got really toxic energy and they dysregulate you and they step into your life and they mess with your peace, and then what happens? Your energy is depleted. Okay, so you must protect your energy. Now, if you protect your energy and you have the courage to feel uncomfortable and set a boundary, then you have really amazing emotional health. If your emotional health is good, your mental health is good, your spiritual health is good, and your physical health is good. Okay, why? Because emotionally, when you're sound, everything in your body is regulated. But if you don't set a boundary and you allow toxic people in, then you get emotionally dysregulated, which affects your mental health, okay, which affects your intellectual health, which then affects your spiritual health and your physical health. And guess what? You're depleted. Okay. So if we want to stay sober, we must set boundaries. Okay. Now, when we start to practice setting boundaries, it remember, it is a practice, right? And we progress. Okay. We can't get frustrated when we set a boundary and people get angry at us. We have to get very comfortable that we are actually growing up, evolving, and changing, and other people may not accept that. Okay. So once we take accountability for who we are, that doesn't mean people that don't take accountability and responsibility for themselves are suddenly going to change. It doesn't happen like that at all. So remember, courage first. I feel triggered. Why do I feel triggered? This person is crossing a boundary. It could be the what they're saying to us, it could be something they're doing to us. So what do we do? We we want to protect our peace. So we have to stand up for ourselves. And if we respect ourselves and we set a boundary, guess what? Then the person will either respect us and have a healthy relationship, or they won't. Okay? So one of the biggest things I find people worry about in their sobriety is that when they start setting boundaries and they start saying no, they feel like I've got no friends anymore. But here's a question. I want you to think about this. Were those people really your friends? Or were you pleasing them and making them feel good? And at the end of the day, you spent all your time looking for approval. Okay, so real friends are unconditional. Okay. So when we set boundaries, yes, we will push some people away. And some people will get frustrated. But I always say it's better to be alone by yourself than be alone in a crowded room feeling miserable. Okay. So here's something to kind of you know ponder. Think about one boundary that you've set that has helped protect your recovery. Okay. Also, go back and maybe reflect and think about a boundary you should have set and you didn't set, and then you made some bad choices, and it affected your life or recovery. Okay. Now, here's another thing I want you to understand. Okay, ask yourself this. When you set a boundary, what's going on in your body and mind? How do you feel? What are you saying to yourself? You know, because this is an important thing that we must understand, and I say this all the time. Remove the word should, ought, and must, right? I should people please. I must please everyone. I ought to please everyone to be a good person. Remove that. Okay. So if you set a boundary and you feel a feel of fear or you feel dysregulated, lean into that. Ask yourself, what is this? What is this belief that I'm carrying? Because real people accept us for who we are. Okay. Our real tribe loves us for who we are. Right? So here's another thing to ask. When we start setting boundaries, be mindful of how people respond to us. Okay? Some people will just get completely frustrated. Like I know that with my family. They just get angry at me. Every time I set a boundary, oh, you think you know it all now that you're sober. Oh God, remember the things you did. I mean, I've been sober nearly 20 years and I hear it all the time. Okay. So I want you to think about that. Who gets triggered when you set a boundary and you're not triggered? Because that's a really important thing to look at. Okay? So remember, we can't control others. We can only control how we choose to think, feel, and act. Okay. We can't expect others to agree with us when we change. Okay? Because when we get sober, we have these realizations, and we realize the company we have kept may not be the company we want to keep right now. Okay? So always look at this. Every time you try to attempt something or you're asked to do something, ask yourself this. Why am I doing it? What is the meaning behind it? What is the purpose? Okay? Figure out the purpose first. And if the purpose doesn't align with who you are, then you have to, you know, step back and say no. And you have to get used to and comfortable saying no. You I say a lot of no's, and that's okay. And I'm giving you permission to say no. Okay. Always figure out your purpose. Okay. Always surround yourself with people that lift you. Very simple. I look at life like this. I lift people beside me, I lift people above me, I lift people below me, and I let go of people, right, that I feel are toxic and I no longer want in my life. Okay. There's two types of people in the world. Well, there's many types, but focus on this. Focus on the bleeders and the feeders. If someone's bleeding you, set a boundary. If someone's feeding you, let them in the gate. Okay? Just like an engine and an anchor. If someone's an anchor trying to drown you, cut the chain, set the boundary. If someone's an engine and they drive you, inspire you, educate you, and motivate you, let them in. Okay? But you have to be the gatekeeper to whoever comes in. Just like you have to be the gatekeeper in your mind. We have to set boundaries with our thoughts as well. It's very important. You can't let negative people rent space in your head. All right. So be on the lookout for what triggers you. Be on the lookout for bleeders. Surround yourself with feeders. Surround yourself with engines. Remove the anchors. And daily, remember, you will progress if you stay in the process. Okay. It's just daily progress. So I hope you have a blessed day. And remember, day by day, if we do the work, we get the results by the reps. All right. And stick in there, have a beautiful day, and I hope to see you guys soon.